Guess What Day It Is...

It's the day of the traditional Year in Non Sequitur!  If you've been with the blog for any length of time, you'll know that the following is a hodgepodge made of the first sentence from each month's first blog post.

I think this screenshot says a lot about my running progress: 19 miles one week, then only 2 the next.  Take a look at my summer work schedule.  Six Classes...I have six classes to go until I finally have my Bachelor of Arts degree.  Last night I tried out a new recipe that I copied out of a magazine at work.  I don't think I've mentioned the Zimmerman case here before, and I probably won't mention it again, but I was sort of shocked to wake up this morning to a "not guilty" verdict and to find so many of my out-of-state friends on Facebook proclaiming once again how effed up Florida is.  They switched up the process for Candlelight choir this year.  I don't think I've mentioned on the blog (though Facebook knows alllll about it!) that my work building has a... considerable challenge with German cockroaches.  Oh hi, guess what!  I had a really good idea a few months back: heading out to do my longer training runs out at Disney resorts. Thirty-eight hours ago, I was waking up for the Space Coast Half Marathon.

Honestly, of all the years I've been putting these posts together (they really are some of my favorites!), I don't recall a post that less represented the peaks and valleys.  And boy howdy, there have been some peaks and valleys.  Among others:

• School!  Though I had hoped to graduate in December, I think things worked out for the best.  Two semesters on the Dean's List, all A's and A-'s, and just one class this spring before graduation.  Plus, my Master's application is filled out, resume and cover letter uploaded, and references secured.  All that's left is to pay the application fee and order my transcripts.
• Running!  There were some significant roadblocks - physical, emotional, and other - during the first 3/4 of this year, but I ended up completing THREE half-marathons and a bunch of other races.  I dragged friends into running 5k's, encouraged (and sometimes inspired) others to run longer distances, made runner friends, and can't seem to stop signing up for more races!  Running has become my outlet, my therapy, and on multiple occasions the one thing I could point to and say "I'm proud of this."  I wonder when I'll stop gazing at my medal display and getting a little choked up...
• Separation! (note: the exclamation point was just there for style continuity -- this falls into the "valleys" category for sure)  It was hard then, and continues to be hard in so many ways.  I know I handled a lot of things terribly - things that never hit the blog - and that this shit hurts, but I still believe I'm on the path I'm destined to be on.  
• Other assorted drama! (again, a valley)  There are a lot of people in the world who are selfish, mean-spirited, broken in any number of ways, or who bring negativity into your life in ways you can't possibly anticipate and don't understand.  I've had quite a few of those people meander along my path this year.  I'm not playing the victim card, because sometimes you invite the wolf in because if you squint and tilt your head to the left maybe he looks a little like a sheep... But I've definitely learned that when my health, heart, and happiness are on the line I am quite capable of standing up for myself.  (hmm...maybe not completely a valley after all...)
• New Friends! I've made more new friends this year than I can count.  Most of them exist in only one facet of my life - work friends being a prime example - but having people to rant at, laugh with, cry to, and even run with has made this year much more positive than I feel I deserved.
• Old Friends (and of course family)!  Some are in my life now more than they have been in a decade or more.  Seriously, who'd have ever expected me to be planning running vacations with high school friends?  Some have been around for forever.  They are my biggest cheerleaders, my secret keepers, and my ultimate supporters.  Thinking about the outpouring of love and understanding I've gotten when I needed it the most continues to humble me.

I've learned more about myself this year than possibly any single year of my life.  I brag about the things that I love, and continue to examine the things that aren't so great.  I've grown in ways I can barely fathom, and also done some incredibly stupid, careless, and irresponsible things. Like I said, peaks and valleys! 

Looking ahead, I wish for less drama and more fun in 2014.  I will graduate from college a mere 14 years behind schedule.  I think I can (at least) double the number of half marathons I ran this year.  I hope to get a new job, though the idea of leaving the one I have now makes my heart ache a little.  I need to handle my personal business (including the D-word and some financial stuff) and not hope that everything will straighten out if I ignore it long enough.  And I'm going to nurture my new and old friendships.  After all, no Jamie is an island.

Happy New Year to you and yours.  May your 2014 be filled with love, happiness, and wonderful memories.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming along on this voyage with me.

Lies, Secrets, and Sadness: a winding trip down the stream of consciousness

I have a serious thing about lying.  For much of my childhood, I'm pretty sure I was a pathological liar.  I distinctly remember a lesson about fire safety in grade school in New Jersey (second or third grade).  It was about having an escape plan and a family meeting area, and I said that I couldn't have gotten out my bedroom window in Florida because of the cactus outside my window.  But it was ok, because I had a skylight and my parents kept a ladder in my room.

(the nuggets of truth in that story, in case you were wondering, are that I lived in Florida and had a bedroom window)

I don't know when it happened, but I guess gradually over time I realized that it's so much easier to just tell the truth.  Sure, sometimes it's hard, but at least you don't find yourself picking through a mine-laden web (my analogies, let me count them for you...).  A bunch of people have heard me say, "sorry I didn't call you back - I'm an @$$hole sometimes," instead of a story about a dead phone or malfunctioning voicemail.  To the best of my knowledge, it hasn't lost me any friends.

Sadly I haven't quite been able to give up my addiction to lies of omission, otherwise known as secrets. I've never really been good at drawing the line between personal and public (hello, random stranger!), and sometimes when I know someone is going to disapprove or disagree with a decision I've made it's just easier to keep it to myself.  For example, see my previous 4-months-belated post.

Keeping secrets is a lonely business.  I have to keep fun or interesting bits of information from people I know would appreciate them because I'm not sure whether I'm going to give something away.  But you know what's even worse than that? Not having a support system in place when something goes wrong because people don't know the back-story and it's too long and difficult at that point to fill in the gaps. 

Speaking of loneliness, I was having a text conversation with my favorite aunt the other night, and she said something about not worrying about me because I was self-sufficient.  I told her that for me it's easier to do things for myself than to ask for help.  I'm fairly confident I get that from my dad.  And I hate it.  For example, right this very second oh my golly I have an amount of sadness in me that I can physically feel pressing on my lungs.  I know if I tried to pick up the phone and call anyone that I would turn into a sobbing incoherent mess and they would think I'd been in a car accident and had my legs amputated.  And what the hell would I say in a text? "Hi, world is crashing down on me. Want to give up your fun Friday night plans and listen to me lament?" Or perhaps something a little more selfish: "I know you have genuine soul-crushing sadness of your own right now, but I need you to focus on me."

I know this will pass.  The fact is this particular emotional collapse started as the kind of anger that makes you physically tremble.  (PLEASE tell me that's not unique to me and my paternal bloodline...)  All I wanted to do was leave the house and find a friend to bitch to.  And that's when I realized I had nowhere to go.  Outside of Scott and work friends, I haven't really seen anyone in a few months.  And I can't impose my freak-out on someone I've barely spoken to.  And yes, Scott would drop anything to help me.  But it would be selfish of me on 17 different levels to go to him.  So the anger turned to despair.

And so I came here to my blog.  I had a good cry all over this messy post of self-pity and catharsis.  I played some off-brand Scrabble online with Scott while I was typing, so it was sort of like having someone there to talk to. 

Tomorrow and Sunday, I think I have no choice but to throw myself head-first into homework. It's the best thing for me emotionally and educationally.  Monday, I might have to finally admit I'm in over my head and call my shrink.  (funny, I believe it was last month around PMS time I looked up his phone number)  I want to run away from home for a few days, but I can't actually afford to.  I can but I have a feeling I'm going to need my savings for more practical things.  I've got standing room offers from people within driving distance, but who wants a black cloud coming for a visit?  I'd be pissed at me if I showed up for a visit in a mood like this!

So if you're reading this, don't be worried about me.  I am self-reliant, even when I would rather not be.  And I'm already feeling better than I was three paragraphs ago.  But if you have any advice on not being socially stunted, I'd love to hear it.  It's obviously something I need to work on!

An Open Letter to Friends and Family

Dear people who love me and/or care about me,

 

I love and/or care about you too. Though I rarely see you in person, the relationship we have – as family members, friends, or work acquaintances – means the world to me. Facebook has been such a blessing to me, enabling me to be so much more in touch with people who would otherwise just be on the Christmas card list…or would have lost contact with many moons ago. I get to see the weddings, the babies, the kids, the proms and graduations… all the happy moments I’d otherwise miss out on.

 

Mostly, I use Facebook to post day-to-day little blurbs about work or school, rarely using it to discuss bigger issues. Most of you don’t know why I don’t have kids. Or what I want to be when (if) I grow up. Do you know what’s up between me and my Dad? (really…do you? If you do, would you please tell ME?) It’s not that these things are a secret… it’s just that I think they require a treatment more in-depth than the 2-3 sentences my average Facebook status contains.

 

That’s why we are here. Welcome to my blog. It’s not much, especially not for the past 6 months, but it’s where I go to tell my tales, plan my future, and oftentimes vent about things that are upsetting me. But sometimes the really big issues don’t fit in this space either. Sometimes the words don’t come. Or the words would hurt someone else. So the words stay in my head, or are whispered to someone else. Anyway, I have brought you all here today because I have something to tell you. It still feels like the blog isn't the right venue, but I just can't do this one-on-one.

 

Scott and I are separated.

 

We have been since January. I haven’t told a lot of people, but since some of you are putting the pieces together on your own I thought now is probably as good a time as any to pull the Band-Aid off. I’m not going to discuss the details here. You are welcome to ask questions, but I reserve the right to not answer. Based on the questions and comments I’ve gotten so far, I’m including a proactive “FAQ/C” section below. I’ll be adding to it over the next few days if needed.

 

Why didn’t you say anything sooner? Lots of reasons, really. Among them:

I wanted things to stabilize between Scott and me…

I know how judgmental I am and wasn’t ready to be judged by other people…

I couldn’t figure out how to make such a big pronouncement (and surprisingly “announcing break-up on Facebook” doesn’t really yield a lot of good Google search results).

 

OK, but why didn’t you tell ME sooner? I told people who needed to know for various reasons (such as Florida vacations that involved staying at the house I wasn’t living in at the time) and people I needed to know. I don’t think I told more than 4 or 5 people outside of those I see every day. If you are feeling left out or hurt, please consider the last time we confided anything in each other.

 

This news makes me feel . I appreciate that you care, but at this time I have enough feelings of my own to deal with. I can’t really process yours as well. Thank you for sharing, and I regret that I am unable to help you through this difficult time.

 

Your decisions and actions are hurtful to Scott. Thank you for looking out for him. Please allow me also to thank you on his behalf. At this point, my relationship with Scott is between me and Scott. I am aware that actions have consequences, but hopeful that he will always have a place in my life.

 

Your decisions and actions are hurtful to God. Thank you for looking out for Him. Please allow me also to thank you on His behalf. At this point, my relationship with God is between me and God. I am aware that actions have consequences, but hopeful that He will always have a place in my life.

 

Do I have to un-friend Scott on ? Of course not! Neither of us is asking anyone to pick sides. Besides, I’m guessing if we did make you choose one of us, you’d choose him.

 

What happened? Someday maybe I’ll look back on this whole situation with clarity and be able to adequately explain. Maybe at that time I’ll share what I figure out. Honestly though, that is likely to be a conversation between me and a professional paid to listen to me and keep my personal stuff in confidence.

 

Wow…that really sucks. Yes…yes it does.

 

What’s next? There’s a good reason I decided to throw myself into academics for the next two semesters. “An idle mind… something something something,” right? After that, I guess we’ll see.

 

What do you need? I have to admit, every time someone has asked me this or offered a room to sleep in or a shoulder to cry on, it has surprised and humbled me. Like I said, I have spent a lot of time over the years judging other people, so the people who have offered to prop me up have shown me how I should have behaved all along, and certainly how I hope to be in the future. Right now, I don’t need anything. But thank you for asking. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

 

If you’re still reading, thank you. 800+ words later, I guess you must care! Nothing about this situation has been easy. I realize I’m not really in a position to ask for sympathy, and I honestly don’t expect it or really need it. However, I respectfully request that you understand that this wasn’t done to you and isn’t about you. If your first reaction to this letter is any of the first five I outlined above, please don’t share it with me. And if you do, please don’t be upset if you don’t get the response you hoped for.

 

But enough about me…what do YOU think of me? Just kidding…I don’t want to know!

 

Love,

Jamie

Out of the Loop

I'll be honest: I missed the whole Marie Claire kerfuffle a few days back. I knew something was up because I read a few random tweets about it, but I am just about at my saturation point for journalists (and I use that term loosely) saying stupid things and being fired so I tuned out.

Then one of my favorite author-bloggers took the magazine to task.

Nutshell: columnist writes ridiculously insensitive column about how fat people gross her out. Nope, I'm not oversimplifying:

"So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair."

And so Jenn Lancaster, author of comic memoirs such as My Fair Lazy and Such a Pretty Fat, has stepped up to the plate to offer a well-reasoned, thoughtful, humorous, and downright amazing analysis and response. It's long, and you should read every word. Here's one paragraph to set the mood:

"Here’s the thing - I’ve spent my career trying to give readers the message that they should love themselves no matter what. I’ve worked hard to set the kind of example that will help empower women to embrace who they are and what they look like. Sometimes I’m stupid and vain and I get caught up in silly things like whether or not my teeth are properly whitened, but the point is I do my best to build myself – and, by extension, other women – up and I get pissed off when some self-righteous asshole tells us we aren’t of value because we don’t fit into some arbitrary standard of beauty."

I read the rest of the post with tears in my eyes, ready to attend a Fatty Rally and wave a Cacique bra over my head with one hand while holding a Five Guys burger in the other. I read the whole thing out loud to Scott. When I finished, his response was, "I love her!" And I love her too. And I agree with Jenn's ultimate conclusion that the girl who wrote the Marie Claire piece isn't the enemy. She's got opinions, and God love her for being brave enough to share them with the world. But shame on Marie Claire. Well, I guess they won't have to focus on plus-size fashion for a while - my guess is they just lost themselves an entire demographic!

As for Jenn, I've never actually read any of her books. I've got one that I bought earlier this month and hid from myself so that I'd have something new to read on the cruise. Maybe as a thank-you to her, I'll buy another one. After all, Scott will need something to read too!

Drama Drama Drama

I swear, it's not me.

I hope it's not me.

Is it me?

Does everyone step in steaming piles of metaphorical dog shit as much as I do? Yesterday I stepped in it, had it thrown at me, and had no recourse whatsoever.

The super-short version is that one of the servers at The Restaurant (which, by the way, is creating its own drama at the moment... but that's been fun!) accused me yesterday of helping one of the other servers get good tables by making up call parties for him. (Call parties are guests who request a specific server) She said that I let him see the seating charts in advance and pick the people he thought would be big tippers. She also implied that there was an illicit reason for my doing so. She spewed all of this at Number Two (The Boss is off Sundays) while I was sitting at my desk 10 feet away.

Aside: No matter how upset or pissed off I get about my job, I don't cry there. I cry at home. Or at least during my lunch when I'm alone in the office.

So after she left the office, while I was sitting at my desk trying to convince myself to keep doing my job and not run out to find Scott, Number Two asked if I was ok. I said yes. He came over and sat next to me and asked if I was really ok. And, blinking back tears, I asked him if he or The Boss had any doubts about my conduct in or out of the office, or about whether I had been fudging anything at all. He told me that the only thing they think about the way I do my job is that I'm freakishly good at it. He tried his best to convince me that no one else thinks the things that she said were true, but I'm not so sure.

The worst thing about this is that I really think I left myself open to this sort of attack. Last fall, there were only two people at work who knew about the Crap going on in my life, and this male server was one of them. He was always there with a hug and a kind word when I needed it. And I chose to ignore the raised eyebrows and smirks from some of the girls because I needed the support more than I needed the good reputation. Now I realize what a mistake that was.

What's really ironic about the situation is that this guy and I had an argument over a month ago and haven't really said more than "hello" or "good bye" or "Merry Christmas" to each other ever since.

Scott and Number Two have both advised me that the best thing I can do is to keep my mouth shut and wait for this to blow over. And I really don't have any choice but to do just that. I certainly can't bust into pre-meal and proclaim my purity. At the most, I don't think there are more than 4 people who share this suspicion. And there are probably twice that number who don't know any part of the story. There's no sense stirring up the pot.

And that's a good example of why I keep this blog. I get to tell my side of the story... vent about it... and let it go in time to go back to work on Thursday.

Talking to God

About a month ago, I asked my mom to pray for someone on an e-mail listserv that I belong to. She said she would, but that God would listen more if it came from me.

You know, I don't feel like I have that kind of relationship with God. I mean, I acknowledge that he exists (but can't quite bring myself to capitalize the "h" there). But we don't chat regularly. And I hate to be one of those crappy friends who only calls when they need something.

Well, I've had a lot of very personal Crap-with-a-capital-C in my life recently. I don't want to talk about the details here, but trust me - it's lousy. And hard. Really really hard. So this morning when Scott was driving me to the chiropractor, I was thinking about my Mom, and hoping that she was praying for me. And I remembered what she said.

So I asked God to please let all of my Crap-with-a-capital-C work out the way I wanted it to. And if I couldn't have it the way I wanted, then to please make me be ok with the way everything does sort out. And a little while later, I realized that I was at peace. I was calm like I haven't been in quite a while.

I guess that means God is looking into it. And I figure the best thing that I can do is to not make the situation worse by trying any irrational quick-fixes. My emotions are running really close to the surface, and it's really hard for me to quell those knee-jerk "fight or flight" responses. But that's what I feel like I need to do. Lots of deep breathing, and re-reading the Harry Potter books to escape reality a little bit.

Today's cliche: it's all in God's hands.
Tonight's activities: reading with Milo on my lap.
Tomorrow morning: back to the chiropractor to see how I handled my adjustment.
Tomorrow afternoon: pedicure with Cat.