Scott sent me this... so blame him! Please remember that it's all in good fun.
Just in case you were in danger of getting too caught up in the relatively small matters that divide or bother you about the Democratic candidates...
To be a Republican you need to believe:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,and a bad guy when Bush needed a 'we can't find Bin Laden' diversion.
3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Viet Nam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,then demand their cooperation and money.
9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring theInternet.
13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
15. Supporting 'Executive Privilege' for every Republican ever born,who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national interest,but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
If you don't send this to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans '08.
"Friends don't let friends vote Republican."
2 comments:
You call that stirring the pot? I'm sending that to all the women in Cotillion - THAT'S stirring the pot. LOL!
And a reply!
To be a Democrat you need to believe:
1. It doesn't matter what the politician believes, only that he (or she!) belongs to a historically disenfranchised minority group, then they are automatically electable.
2. War is always bad. Except when its a pointless peacekeeping mission that ends up perpetuating genocide in a third world country. Then it deserves our full attention and three thousand of our soldiers' lives.
3. Trade that opens economic markets to individuals in third world nations is verboten, but tossing their corrupt governments millions is sound foreign policy.
4. Commitment to national sovereignty is paramount, unless it interferes with our commitment to progressive ideology. Viva Kyoto!
5. Save the baby mollusks, seals, single-celled organisms and pond scum. Kill the baby humans.
6. The best way to improve our military is to drastically cut its funding, forcing military families to live on welfare. At least then, people might stop joining it and we can finally be rid of it without having to admit we never liked it.
7. If only children were exposed to pornography and erotic techniques early, they'd be having more abortions. Planned Parenthood won't fund itself, you know!
8. The best way to fight terrorism is to ignore it. Maybe they'll go away.
9. The First Amendment protects your right to say whatever you want, so long as we agree with you.
10. Questioning the theory of evolution is ignoring scientific evidence; ignoring a wealth of evidence suggesting that life begins at conception, that human behavior does not necessarily cause the climate to warm, and that embryonic stem cell research cannot produce results without cloning...that's not anti-science at all.
11. A president committing perjury is not a violation of the law. Relying on fourteen years of evidence suggesting that Saddam Hussein had weapons he could sell to terrorist organizations and a track record of funding Palestinian terrorist groups...now that's a violation of the law.
12. Families have no use in modern society, unless they're gay families.
13. The Constitution is a living document, except for the parts that we can use to illustrate the myriad ways the Bush Administration is infringing on our rights, then its exactly what the founders intended, word for word.
14. The public should know every dalliance George Bush has ever committed, but those FBI files that Hillary Clinton claims disappeared from the White House residence and the secret files she won't open are fine right where they are.
15. Being a drug addict is a treatable condition and homosexuality is an innate, beautiful thing...unless you're a conservative.
16. Government should never interfere in your personal decisions...unless it is for the purpose of providing you health care.
17. Alternative fuels are great, except for nuclear energy.
18. Making something illegal never makes it go away (see e.g. drugs, abortion). Except for guns. Making guns illegal will stop all the violence.
19. Tax the rich, feed the poor. The rich are a bottomless supply of money and will always remain that way.
20. Birth control is not 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, but teaching children that abstinence IS 100% effective at preventing pregnancy is wrong.
21. The Patriarchy is oppressing women in America! But we should accept the Middle Eastern practice of denying women education and stoning them for showing their hair out of cultural tolerance.
22. Dissent is patriotic. Unless its dissent from liberal ideology. Then you have to publicly apologize.
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