Putting 2014 to Bed

Time for the year in non sequitor!  The following is a hodgepodge made of the first sentence from each month's first blog post:

Ever since I started training for my first race, I have been humbled by the support I continue to receive from friends, family, and even strangers.  Y'all know I have trouble accepting compliments, right?  After Princess was relatively unstressful for my body, I finally came to the conclusion that it was time to change my run-walk intervals. It's been two months since my last check-in (and four since the first).

I just uploaded my research paper -- the final assignment of my undergrad career.

It's been six months since I posted the first of my "during" photos. The official RunDisney training program for the WDW Marathon started at the beginning of this month. Well, it's been two months since my last check-in, and what a crazy two months it's been. I don’t think I can say enough positive things about this race. Happy October!  This past Saturday, Sarah and I went out to Ft. Wilderness to do our 17-mile marathon training run. I have to warn any non-regular readers right now that this isn't going to be a standard race recap.

So, you know, I guess I did some running.  Have you heard?  At the end of 2013, I posted the following about my hopes for 2014:

I wish for less drama and more fun in 2014.  I will graduate from college a mere 14 years behind schedule.  I think I can (at least) double the number of half marathons I ran this year.  I hope to get a new job, though the idea of leaving the one I have now makes my heart ache a little.  I need to handle my personal business (including the D-word and some financial stuff) and not hope that everything will straighten out if I ignore it long enough.  And I'm going to nurture my new and old friendships.  After all, no Jamie is an island.

Well, I did graduate.  I did (more than) double the number of half marathons, from 3 to 10.  I did get a new job, and it did break my heart to leave the old one.  We did file for divorce.  And I think I did nurture my friendships better.  At the very least, I got to see Bill for the first time in a decade (that can't POSSIBLY be right...can it??), and had the most wonderful two weeks with Jackie's family in NJ.  And I have a few new friends!  I love them all.  YOU all. 

Truthfully, the year was overwhelmingly positive, and truly surprising.  A year ago, I didn't know that I'd even be accepted to grad school, let alone have wrapped up my second semester with a 4.0.  I didn't know I'd take myself on a three-week solo road trip as far north as NY and west as State College.  I didn't know anything about the job I have now.  I hadn't seriously considered signing up for a marathon.

I also couldn't have predicted that 2014 would be the year of the cousins.  My northeast road trip helped that -- I spent time in NYC with Jenn and her family plus a bonus day with Alex and Megumi.  I also got to see Dawn.  I saw Suzanne for the first time in forever, and we talked the day away like a pair of old friends.  Joanne came up twice, and I had a blast with her and her crazy friends.

If the medals on my wall are to be believed, I raced 148.3 miles (131 miles of half marathons + 47.3 miles in other shorter distance races) in 2014, and I think I trained almost twice as many miles.  So you know, that was a significant amount of my time, energy, and focus this year.  It kicked ass.  You should feel my quads.  I HAVE QUADS!  I didn't lose much (any?) weight, but that's mostly because I seem to have developed an insatiable lust for Taco Bell, Chick Fil A's breakfast burritos, and other amazing deep-fried drive-through delicacies.  Somewhere along the line, I realized I was running for the love of running, and not for any related goal.  I like it better this way.

And just for the record, I'm actually doing some of my living off the record.  I'm still learning a lot about me, and one thing I've learned is that not every misstep needs to be documented for posterity and/or the judgment of others.  I like being able to sit down with friends and be able to answer "what's new?" with something other than "it's all on Facebook!"  I like having untold stories.  And I like having a little mystery.

So 2015?  Oh my GOD...I can't even imagine what's to come!  In January alone, I'm running a marathon, I'm doing a fun new thing at work (spending a weekend as a company rep during a conference), Scott and I have a court date, and I'm taking a weekend girls' trip to Atlanta for a 15K.  I'm taking spring semester off from school, and using that extra time to take an 8 week "dance & tone" class after work with my boss.  I'm also determined to clean the house and make it presentable.

It feels somehow selfish and ungrateful to ask for my 2015 to be better than 2014. This year has truly been an embarrassment of riches.  I feel guilty even asking for more of the same.  I think it's possible that I'll look back on 2014 as the biggest, boldest, craziest, busiest, newest, most eventful year of my life.  I hope that I continue to grow in 2015.  I hope I stay as happy as I am right now.  And more than anything, I hope that my friends and loved ones will be as happy as I am right now. 

Happy New Year!  I wish you nothing but the best in 2015.  May all your dreams come true!

Guess What Day It Is...

It's the day of the traditional Year in Non Sequitur!  If you've been with the blog for any length of time, you'll know that the following is a hodgepodge made of the first sentence from each month's first blog post.

I think this screenshot says a lot about my running progress: 19 miles one week, then only 2 the next.  Take a look at my summer work schedule.  Six Classes...I have six classes to go until I finally have my Bachelor of Arts degree.  Last night I tried out a new recipe that I copied out of a magazine at work.  I don't think I've mentioned the Zimmerman case here before, and I probably won't mention it again, but I was sort of shocked to wake up this morning to a "not guilty" verdict and to find so many of my out-of-state friends on Facebook proclaiming once again how effed up Florida is.  They switched up the process for Candlelight choir this year.  I don't think I've mentioned on the blog (though Facebook knows alllll about it!) that my work building has a... considerable challenge with German cockroaches.  Oh hi, guess what!  I had a really good idea a few months back: heading out to do my longer training runs out at Disney resorts. Thirty-eight hours ago, I was waking up for the Space Coast Half Marathon.

Honestly, of all the years I've been putting these posts together (they really are some of my favorites!), I don't recall a post that less represented the peaks and valleys.  And boy howdy, there have been some peaks and valleys.  Among others:

• School!  Though I had hoped to graduate in December, I think things worked out for the best.  Two semesters on the Dean's List, all A's and A-'s, and just one class this spring before graduation.  Plus, my Master's application is filled out, resume and cover letter uploaded, and references secured.  All that's left is to pay the application fee and order my transcripts.
• Running!  There were some significant roadblocks - physical, emotional, and other - during the first 3/4 of this year, but I ended up completing THREE half-marathons and a bunch of other races.  I dragged friends into running 5k's, encouraged (and sometimes inspired) others to run longer distances, made runner friends, and can't seem to stop signing up for more races!  Running has become my outlet, my therapy, and on multiple occasions the one thing I could point to and say "I'm proud of this."  I wonder when I'll stop gazing at my medal display and getting a little choked up...
• Separation! (note: the exclamation point was just there for style continuity -- this falls into the "valleys" category for sure)  It was hard then, and continues to be hard in so many ways.  I know I handled a lot of things terribly - things that never hit the blog - and that this shit hurts, but I still believe I'm on the path I'm destined to be on.  
• Other assorted drama! (again, a valley)  There are a lot of people in the world who are selfish, mean-spirited, broken in any number of ways, or who bring negativity into your life in ways you can't possibly anticipate and don't understand.  I've had quite a few of those people meander along my path this year.  I'm not playing the victim card, because sometimes you invite the wolf in because if you squint and tilt your head to the left maybe he looks a little like a sheep... But I've definitely learned that when my health, heart, and happiness are on the line I am quite capable of standing up for myself.  (hmm...maybe not completely a valley after all...)
• New Friends! I've made more new friends this year than I can count.  Most of them exist in only one facet of my life - work friends being a prime example - but having people to rant at, laugh with, cry to, and even run with has made this year much more positive than I feel I deserved.
• Old Friends (and of course family)!  Some are in my life now more than they have been in a decade or more.  Seriously, who'd have ever expected me to be planning running vacations with high school friends?  Some have been around for forever.  They are my biggest cheerleaders, my secret keepers, and my ultimate supporters.  Thinking about the outpouring of love and understanding I've gotten when I needed it the most continues to humble me.

I've learned more about myself this year than possibly any single year of my life.  I brag about the things that I love, and continue to examine the things that aren't so great.  I've grown in ways I can barely fathom, and also done some incredibly stupid, careless, and irresponsible things. Like I said, peaks and valleys! 

Looking ahead, I wish for less drama and more fun in 2014.  I will graduate from college a mere 14 years behind schedule.  I think I can (at least) double the number of half marathons I ran this year.  I hope to get a new job, though the idea of leaving the one I have now makes my heart ache a little.  I need to handle my personal business (including the D-word and some financial stuff) and not hope that everything will straighten out if I ignore it long enough.  And I'm going to nurture my new and old friendships.  After all, no Jamie is an island.

Happy New Year to you and yours.  May your 2014 be filled with love, happiness, and wonderful memories.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you for coming along on this voyage with me.

Lies, Secrets, and Sadness: a winding trip down the stream of consciousness

I have a serious thing about lying.  For much of my childhood, I'm pretty sure I was a pathological liar.  I distinctly remember a lesson about fire safety in grade school in New Jersey (second or third grade).  It was about having an escape plan and a family meeting area, and I said that I couldn't have gotten out my bedroom window in Florida because of the cactus outside my window.  But it was ok, because I had a skylight and my parents kept a ladder in my room.

(the nuggets of truth in that story, in case you were wondering, are that I lived in Florida and had a bedroom window)

I don't know when it happened, but I guess gradually over time I realized that it's so much easier to just tell the truth.  Sure, sometimes it's hard, but at least you don't find yourself picking through a mine-laden web (my analogies, let me count them for you...).  A bunch of people have heard me say, "sorry I didn't call you back - I'm an @$$hole sometimes," instead of a story about a dead phone or malfunctioning voicemail.  To the best of my knowledge, it hasn't lost me any friends.

Sadly I haven't quite been able to give up my addiction to lies of omission, otherwise known as secrets. I've never really been good at drawing the line between personal and public (hello, random stranger!), and sometimes when I know someone is going to disapprove or disagree with a decision I've made it's just easier to keep it to myself.  For example, see my previous 4-months-belated post.

Keeping secrets is a lonely business.  I have to keep fun or interesting bits of information from people I know would appreciate them because I'm not sure whether I'm going to give something away.  But you know what's even worse than that? Not having a support system in place when something goes wrong because people don't know the back-story and it's too long and difficult at that point to fill in the gaps. 

Speaking of loneliness, I was having a text conversation with my favorite aunt the other night, and she said something about not worrying about me because I was self-sufficient.  I told her that for me it's easier to do things for myself than to ask for help.  I'm fairly confident I get that from my dad.  And I hate it.  For example, right this very second oh my golly I have an amount of sadness in me that I can physically feel pressing on my lungs.  I know if I tried to pick up the phone and call anyone that I would turn into a sobbing incoherent mess and they would think I'd been in a car accident and had my legs amputated.  And what the hell would I say in a text? "Hi, world is crashing down on me. Want to give up your fun Friday night plans and listen to me lament?" Or perhaps something a little more selfish: "I know you have genuine soul-crushing sadness of your own right now, but I need you to focus on me."

I know this will pass.  The fact is this particular emotional collapse started as the kind of anger that makes you physically tremble.  (PLEASE tell me that's not unique to me and my paternal bloodline...)  All I wanted to do was leave the house and find a friend to bitch to.  And that's when I realized I had nowhere to go.  Outside of Scott and work friends, I haven't really seen anyone in a few months.  And I can't impose my freak-out on someone I've barely spoken to.  And yes, Scott would drop anything to help me.  But it would be selfish of me on 17 different levels to go to him.  So the anger turned to despair.

And so I came here to my blog.  I had a good cry all over this messy post of self-pity and catharsis.  I played some off-brand Scrabble online with Scott while I was typing, so it was sort of like having someone there to talk to. 

Tomorrow and Sunday, I think I have no choice but to throw myself head-first into homework. It's the best thing for me emotionally and educationally.  Monday, I might have to finally admit I'm in over my head and call my shrink.  (funny, I believe it was last month around PMS time I looked up his phone number)  I want to run away from home for a few days, but I can't actually afford to.  I can but I have a feeling I'm going to need my savings for more practical things.  I've got standing room offers from people within driving distance, but who wants a black cloud coming for a visit?  I'd be pissed at me if I showed up for a visit in a mood like this!

So if you're reading this, don't be worried about me.  I am self-reliant, even when I would rather not be.  And I'm already feeling better than I was three paragraphs ago.  But if you have any advice on not being socially stunted, I'd love to hear it.  It's obviously something I need to work on!

An Open Letter to Friends and Family

Dear people who love me and/or care about me,

 

I love and/or care about you too. Though I rarely see you in person, the relationship we have – as family members, friends, or work acquaintances – means the world to me. Facebook has been such a blessing to me, enabling me to be so much more in touch with people who would otherwise just be on the Christmas card list…or would have lost contact with many moons ago. I get to see the weddings, the babies, the kids, the proms and graduations… all the happy moments I’d otherwise miss out on.

 

Mostly, I use Facebook to post day-to-day little blurbs about work or school, rarely using it to discuss bigger issues. Most of you don’t know why I don’t have kids. Or what I want to be when (if) I grow up. Do you know what’s up between me and my Dad? (really…do you? If you do, would you please tell ME?) It’s not that these things are a secret… it’s just that I think they require a treatment more in-depth than the 2-3 sentences my average Facebook status contains.

 

That’s why we are here. Welcome to my blog. It’s not much, especially not for the past 6 months, but it’s where I go to tell my tales, plan my future, and oftentimes vent about things that are upsetting me. But sometimes the really big issues don’t fit in this space either. Sometimes the words don’t come. Or the words would hurt someone else. So the words stay in my head, or are whispered to someone else. Anyway, I have brought you all here today because I have something to tell you. It still feels like the blog isn't the right venue, but I just can't do this one-on-one.

 

Scott and I are separated.

 

We have been since January. I haven’t told a lot of people, but since some of you are putting the pieces together on your own I thought now is probably as good a time as any to pull the Band-Aid off. I’m not going to discuss the details here. You are welcome to ask questions, but I reserve the right to not answer. Based on the questions and comments I’ve gotten so far, I’m including a proactive “FAQ/C” section below. I’ll be adding to it over the next few days if needed.

 

Why didn’t you say anything sooner? Lots of reasons, really. Among them:

I wanted things to stabilize between Scott and me…

I know how judgmental I am and wasn’t ready to be judged by other people…

I couldn’t figure out how to make such a big pronouncement (and surprisingly “announcing break-up on Facebook” doesn’t really yield a lot of good Google search results).

 

OK, but why didn’t you tell ME sooner? I told people who needed to know for various reasons (such as Florida vacations that involved staying at the house I wasn’t living in at the time) and people I needed to know. I don’t think I told more than 4 or 5 people outside of those I see every day. If you are feeling left out or hurt, please consider the last time we confided anything in each other.

 

This news makes me feel . I appreciate that you care, but at this time I have enough feelings of my own to deal with. I can’t really process yours as well. Thank you for sharing, and I regret that I am unable to help you through this difficult time.

 

Your decisions and actions are hurtful to Scott. Thank you for looking out for him. Please allow me also to thank you on his behalf. At this point, my relationship with Scott is between me and Scott. I am aware that actions have consequences, but hopeful that he will always have a place in my life.

 

Your decisions and actions are hurtful to God. Thank you for looking out for Him. Please allow me also to thank you on His behalf. At this point, my relationship with God is between me and God. I am aware that actions have consequences, but hopeful that He will always have a place in my life.

 

Do I have to un-friend Scott on ? Of course not! Neither of us is asking anyone to pick sides. Besides, I’m guessing if we did make you choose one of us, you’d choose him.

 

What happened? Someday maybe I’ll look back on this whole situation with clarity and be able to adequately explain. Maybe at that time I’ll share what I figure out. Honestly though, that is likely to be a conversation between me and a professional paid to listen to me and keep my personal stuff in confidence.

 

Wow…that really sucks. Yes…yes it does.

 

What’s next? There’s a good reason I decided to throw myself into academics for the next two semesters. “An idle mind… something something something,” right? After that, I guess we’ll see.

 

What do you need? I have to admit, every time someone has asked me this or offered a room to sleep in or a shoulder to cry on, it has surprised and humbled me. Like I said, I have spent a lot of time over the years judging other people, so the people who have offered to prop me up have shown me how I should have behaved all along, and certainly how I hope to be in the future. Right now, I don’t need anything. But thank you for asking. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

 

If you’re still reading, thank you. 800+ words later, I guess you must care! Nothing about this situation has been easy. I realize I’m not really in a position to ask for sympathy, and I honestly don’t expect it or really need it. However, I respectfully request that you understand that this wasn’t done to you and isn’t about you. If your first reaction to this letter is any of the first five I outlined above, please don’t share it with me. And if you do, please don’t be upset if you don’t get the response you hoped for.

 

But enough about me…what do YOU think of me? Just kidding…I don’t want to know!

 

Love,

Jamie