13 May, 2011


A quick read through the updates on my favorite blogs last night brought up a long-repressed memory.  The blog post in question was about the world's most awkward date, college dorm style.  And I'd like to share my own awkward date with you, but first two caveats:

* Yes, I was young and stupid.  Not all young and stupid girls end up on the business end of a bloody scimitar. Some of us were also lucky.
* I acknowledge that this might not be funny to you.  I was drifting off to sleep last night when my eyes popped open and I started laughing out loud.  I told Scott the story, more of the story than I'm going to include here, through laughter-induced tears.  He wasn't laughing along.  Maybe it's just not funny?

The story takes place very early in my Freshman fall semester at Penn State.  I know that because it wasn't yet jacket weather, and because the story starts in the dining hall at breakfast time and I was alone.  Breakfast quickly became a social-or-skipped event for me.  So anyway, there I am alone eating my breakfast when I am approached by a pair of guys who want to share my table.  One is a generic fleshy white guy (picture the guy next to me in this picture.  for example only. it wasn't actually him. I can't stress that enough as the story goes on!) and the other is a scrawny Indian guy.  They're friends or roommates or something, computer science or math geeks, and the white guy is incredibly chatty.

Somehow, in some details I continue to repress, I end up accepting an invitation to a concert from the generic fleshy guy.  And to be clear, when I say "concert," I actually mean Glee Club concert.  The Penn State Glee Club, as I'd discover my sophomore year, is an incredibly talented, and mostly gay, group of guys who throw a really fun party.  That night, however, I was simply impressed with their talent.

There was rain.  I don't know if it was raining the whole time, or if it started to rain as we left the concert.  All I know is that "Guy" and I were soaked to the skin.  The logical thing to do, apparently, was for us to go to his dorm, because it was closer than mine.  And he decided to get changed.

He got changed right in front of me.

And didn't do the gym class shuffle either.

He got completely naked, in all his white fleshy glory.

And so I did what any Jamie in this situation would do: pretend it wasn't happening.  Keep talking and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't look! Naked guy? What naked guy? No naked guy here!  And so, while he's all naked in front of me (you couldn't open the closet and use the door as a shield???), he's talking about being naked.  He's talking about nature and how nudity is normal and natural and I'm all "uh hmm...HOLY SHIT DO ALL GUYS IN COLLEGE JUST GET NAKED AT THE DROP OF A HAT?"  I'm descended from actual Quakers, guys.  The good, decent people of my heritage do not think that there is anything normal about stripping in front of strangers.  We have a healthy dose of prude, and we think full-body covering is completely natural.

Obviously, there was no reciprocal nakedness from me.  Though the remaining details of the evening have been blissfully removed from my memory, I can assure you of that.  "Sweet Seventeen and never been naked in front of a stranger," as the song goes.

I do remember him implying, either that night or some time after, that we were dating.  (perhaps he didn't just drop his drawers for just any Glee Club groupie after all?)  I kindly set the record straight, telling him that I wasn't ready to commit to just one person, that I was young and still finding my way around school and blah blah blah...

About a month later (maybe less?), I was in the company of Guy - please don't ask me to recall the remaining details - and the subject of my boyfriend Evan came up.  Guy looked completely heart-broken. "I guess you're ready to commit now?" see...when a girl isn't interested in a boy, she says she's not ready to be in a relationship. She doesn't just come out and tell him that his nakedness traumatized her to an extent that she won't fully realize until she's in her 30's.

I guess all boys don't know this?


Julie said...

Laughing HELPLESSLY here. And nakedly. HAAAAAAAAA.

mamajoy said...

Even my date with the Jehovah's Witness Nudist cannot stand up to Fleshy Guy!

Jamie the ParkHopper said...

Wow...either I never heard the story of that one, or I've blocked it. No need to fill in the details!

mamajoy said...

When I was 18ish I sublet an apartment from a friend while she did a semester in Scotland (btw, she came home only long enough to pack up and move there, never to return). The place was really cool! But it came with her boyfriend! We never really dated, but I did go to a party with him once. Everyone there was a nudist, AND they were also all Jehovah's Witnesses. (This is realy true. Writing it seems like one of my mother's "stories" but I'm dead serious!) They were all in clothes (whew!) but they were passing around pictures, and a lot of them were photos from nudist places! Then, like a trendy girl of the 70's, I lit a joint and THEY GOT OFFENDED! I was all confused! They were really freaking me out with their freely-naked-and-btw-Jesus-is-not-God lifestyle, and my POT was offensive? I've never looked at a JW the same way again!