Before the Afterbirth

At last count, I have about a half-dozen friends and acquaintances on Facebook who are pregnant (or the male equivalent). In the past few months I've seen ultrasound pictures and videos, status updates from cribs to cravings, and everything inbetween.

And for the most part, I've been uncharacteristically quiet.  These little social media baby booms are always sort of tough on me emotionally.  Scott and I decided many moons ago to take the "if it happens, it happens" approach to parenthood, knowing that more than likely it wouldn't just happen.  And more and more the idea of having a kid alternately terrifies and annoys me (have you SEEN the cost of a family healthcare plan? clothes? furniture? daycare?). But every time it comes up I'm hit with pangs of jealousy, bitterness and a little bit of "what if?"  Don't get me wrong - I've done enough soul searching to know that I am already a complete person who doesn't need a baby to feel whole. (not that I'm saying any of you "need" a baby - I'm just rather clumsily saying don't worry about me)

But this post is only partly about me.  It's a cautionary heads-up to those of you who fall into the "expecting" category.  I love you all.  And I already love your babies. Even when I can't say it out loud, know that I'm overwhelmingly happy for you.  I can't wait to see the 8,000 pictures of every milestone of your precious angel's early years.  But I'm going to let you in on a secret that your other friends might not tell you:

The miracle of childbirth?  It's gross.  It's awe-inspiring to the people involved (even just as a spectator), but to the people outside that room, it's bloody and there's a lot of ick involved.  And most of your co-workers, your college drinking buddies, and maybe even your own family members just don't want to see what you might be tempted to share on Facebook.

So here's my sincere request:  if you are at all tempted to post pictures of the following:

• the placenta (or any mention that you're planning on doing anything with it besides letting the hospital dispose of it)
• anything on mommy that would usually be covered by a bikini
• naked baby pictures that include genitalia
• poop

please go ahead and un-friend me from Facebook now.  I'd rather have you just dislike me for my snark and bitterness than totally hate me for submitting of one of the above items to the STFU Parents Blog. (WARNING: the previous link goes straight to their "gross out" category. click at your own risk...though I personally find myself laughing through the gagging!)  It's just better for all of us this way.

Window(s) Shopping

I recently discovered a site where I find myself alternating between "wow, I really need that!" and "wow, they really think someone is going to buy that?" It's Etsy. Etsy makes it really fun to window shop with their "pounce" function. It basically shuffles through the sellers, so even if you don't know what you want to look at, you'll figure it out.

Case in point: I need one of these. Scott agrees. Tell me you don't need one too!

I also just found out that there's a giveaway going on for one of those adorable aprons here. You know I'm entering that!!

Ad-Stalking

Let me start by just saying this: Google Ads, please stop looking at my cookies!

I was doing a little online research for a hypothetical vacation I'm planning to [the coolest place ever, OMG the pictures I'm going to come back with!] before work this morning. I was bouncing between Travelocity, Hotwire, and generic internet searches for hotels in the vicinity of [the coolest place ever, OMG the pictures I'm going to come back with!].

What a coincidence that, as I was going through various blogs this evening, I kept seeing the same ad for La Quinta popping up on sidebars. This happened to me once before that I was actually aware of, when I was window-shopping for faucets and then all of a sudden the same faucet I had clicked on on overstock.com suddenly appeared in a banner ad, and then another banner ad, and another.

I suppose it's really smart marketing. In this case though, it's kind of ridiculous. I checked into it - the La Quinta Inn in [the coolest place ever, OMG the pictures I'm going to come back with!] is $199/night. I think I'd rather stick with a bed & breakfast for half that, even if it means Scott will have to grit his teeth and play nice with strangers.

As for [the coolest place ever, OMG the pictures I'm going to come back with!], I don't want to give it away quite yet. For now, I'll just tell you that it's somewhere in the map below:

By the way, it's not that I'm being coy. I mean, I guess I am. But right now this is one of those things that seems full of magic and adventure, and it's all mine and Scott's. Once I tell the rest of the world, then it's like we have to share with everyone else. And politely accept input. And pretend we care that {insert obscure relative here} once planned to go there, but {broke/ruptured/sprained} {his/her} {body part} and had to cancel the trip.

Plus, it's a pretty major trip that I'm basically hypothetically planning with a month-ish window. I may get overwhelmed and decide to just get a plane/hotel/car package deal to a major city - NY, DC, and Chicago top that "b" list.

Oh, and I can't share too much, lest we get robbed while we're on vacation like all those morons who advertise all sorts of personal crap on the internet. I could quite possibly be one of those morons. But I'm really trying hard not to be.

Time to Print the Pictures?

Anyone out there have 100 images saved in digital format that you need to print out? Now's the time! I just got an e-mail from snapfish and they're doing a sale - 100 4x6" prints for 12.99 including standard shipping. 1.3 cents per print? Trust me - that's a bargain at 5x the price!

I might have to take the opportunity to turn my Encore pictures into an album. Other than that, I don't think I have that many pictures worth printing. (nope, not doing a Christmas with Elphie album!)

So anyway, here's what to do if you're interested: Go to snapfish.com, upload your photos, order your photos, and then use coupon code LETSPRINT.

You're welcome!

Oh yeah - offer expires June 1.

Probably the Last to Know

Once a website is featured on abcnews.com, it's probably safe to assume the rest of the Internet has already seen it. Except my mom. So mom, this one's for you:

AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

The name says it all. Unfortunately, I'm guessing the ABC attention increased their viewers by a lot and it's taxing their servers. If at first you don't get the page to load, hit refresh until it does.

If only I had any awkward family pictures to share... Sadly, my dad was always smiling for the camera, and I don't have any weird wedding pictures worth making fun of. (that last one might be the best... the "no one told me we were supposed to look angry" photo)

Today's Fun Typo

They'll probably get it fixed before too long, but here's the link.

I love it when the typo is in the headline. It makes my mocking so much easier!

Food Porn

Found via Scott via Headline News: This is Why You're Fat.

If you're fat, I defy you to look at the pages on this site and not find at least one item that makes you go, "ooh!" For me, it was the meatloaf cake.

note: this is not the meatloaf cake on the other website. This one came from meatloafcake.com - nope, not making it up!

Other interesting creations on the main page include deep-fried grilled cheese and pizza cones. Click through the other pages for such marvels as chicken-fried bacon with country gravy, meta pizza (pizza topped with mini pizzas), and sloppy joe on a Krispy Kreme.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go mop up the drool...

The Data Path Not Taken

There's a link on the AOL main page today that I certainly won't be clicking:

Anjelica Huston Suns in String Bikini
Leopard-Print Suit Doesn't Cover Much

I'm not sure which bothers me more - extremely old woman in string bikini, or the fact that this is the only entertainment news that AOL has to cover! Either way, thanks, I'll pass!

Black Friday

Word to the wise: avoid the crowds of rabid discount shoppers at the mall and do your shopping online. I am now a HUGE fan of Google Shopping. You tell them what you want, and they provide you a list of retailers selling your product, their price, and the shipping cost. That saves a lot of comparison-shopping windows at the bottom of your computer screen!

Of course, I'm not going to tell you what I bought. But I am going to tell you I got a great price, and picked up some additional stuff from the same store. The total was less than I'd expected to pay for just that product.

And so, today I leave for work knowing that my holiday shopping is now about 80% complete. Can't beat that!

Flickrvision

Can't stay and play today. But you simply must check out Flickrvision if you haven't already. I'm a bit addicted really.

Basically, it's a world map that updates every second with a new photo being uploaded to Flickr by people all over the world. It's fun seeing other people's random vacation/party/vanity pictures just appear before your eyes.

Anyway, check it out!

Fun with Google

I can hardly remember a time when Google didn't exist. OK, sure I can. I'm pretty sure I didn't even discover the site until 1999 or 2000. Still, Google has the amazing ability to brighten any day with a variety of games.

The "How Did I Die?" Game: By typing "[your name] died" into the Google search engine, you can find out how you died. For example, "Jamie... is a pop star and former member of boy band Boy*d Upp. He died in a helicopter crash." That's funny!

Of course, you can also Google Stalk people you used to know. Google Image Search is especially good for that. For example, I have no idea who the guy is who owns this site, but I do know the person in the second picture. The one in the blue shirt with the buttons. Yeah, he was my first boyfriend. Of course, we were in the sixth grade and we played trumpet together in band. We never kissed, and I don't even think we held hands... but that's beside the point. I haven't seen him since 7th grade when he moved to Virginia. Good to see he finally grew some shoulders! (btw, anyone want to guess whether he gets the distinction of being yet another one of my gay ex-boyfriends?)

And when you run out of people to stalk, you can always do a vanity search. But don't do this unless you're prepared to find out what's out there. What does that mean? Well take a look at this e-mail I got today. It refers to this fake page I made one night at work to torment Matthew.

Hi,I'm hoping you can delete or edit a page from your GeoCities site. My name is listed on the fake OCSO page - I assume created in support of a friend of yours since you seem to be from the area.My charges were dropped by Orange County before I had a chance to defend myself in court, but not until after I had to suffer the humiliation of having my face posted on their web site.

The details of the case are a matter of public record, however if I 'google' my name, the arrest information still pulls up on your site (I've attached a screen shot). I'm sure your friend's situation has been resolved by now.

Again, I appreciate your assistance. Thanks,

So I have to say I feel a tiny bit bad about this. I mean, here I am trying to slander a friend (that page was one of the best practical jokes EVER... especially when it had all the pictures of druggies and hookers filled in like this page) and I end up slandering someone I don't even know!

Of course, I don't want to cause anyone any more pain and suffering than they already experienced by soliciting a cop (reportedly). I'm never intentionally cruel. Now the problem is that I have no idea what the heck the password is to that geocities account. I tried to reset my password, but I also don't know what zip code I used to register (including college, I have resided in 7 zip codes since I started that page). And I tried so many passwords that I locked myself out!

So I'll have to update this story as it develops. In the meantime, I am still laughing about it. Ahh Google... how you amuse me!

TV Online

I was out on Monday night and missed my two new favorite shows of the season - Heroes and Studio 60 on NBC. And today I caught them both... on nbc.com.

Now I don't believe that watching streaming video on my computer monitor will ever replace lounging on the couch with a box of Triscuits (and canned cheese... can't forget that!), but I found the entire process much more agreeable than I thought I would.

They show one commercial at the beginning, and one commercial where each of the breaks is. And it's only 30 seconds - not even long enough to go to the bathroom and make it back. So you watch the commercials. Frankly, I think it's brilliant! The video quality is decent, maybe even good for streaming online content. And when Scott called, I was able to pause it.

And now I'll know what's going on next Monday night, and I won't have to wonder how the cheerleader girl came back from the dead.

Hooray for TV online!