Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I commend you on your decision to never work again. I can only assume that is your plan, given your $100 million lawsuit against E-Trade. It must have been difficult, being famous before puberty, though I imagine the money you made off the Disney movie machine probably would have allowed you to retire at 25 and live a modest, comfortable life. Your unfortunate stints in rehab, your partying, and your mooching family members probably drained a lot of your funds. I sympathize.

But you, rather than making a B horror movie or a TV show or a porno, have decided frivolous lawsuits are your ticket to the Promised Land.

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," [the lawyer] said.

"They used the name Lindsay," Ovadia said. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

The ad in question uses the phrase, "that milkaholic Lindsay." That's it. THAT'S worth $100 million in pain and suffering to you? Frankly, I wonder how many people out there don't know at least one person named Lindsay besides you. And while I agree with your lawyer's assertion that the use of the names Oprah or Madonna (or maybe even Angelina or Britney) may have been a legitimate mis-use of celebrity, I don't agree that you have the same single name recognition. I've heard your referred to as "LiLo" and "La-Lohan," but never just "Lindsay."

I'm sorry to see that this is how you have decided to spend your adult years. Some young stars who go through a wild phase come out clean and respected on the other side. Perhaps you should reach out to Drew Barrymore for some advice in this area. But best wishes on your retirement. Try to stay out of rehab - I hear it's a budget buster!

Sincerely,

Jamie
(who also has single name recognition...at least on this blog)

Stupi-Demic

I was originally going to draw a diagram and go into great detail about the REALLY STUPID act I saw today. Instead, you're getting the abridged nearly-midnight version.

I was waiting to turn out of my apartment complex this morning (to go South), and a guy driving northbound turned right halfway into the Wal Mart road and came to a complete stop - diagonal - blocking anyone else from turning right (a particular problem since there is no right turn lane due to the road construction). I thought he had broken down right there.

A minute later, the sliding door on the van slides open and a woman pops out the door. With a camera. She proceeds to take a picture of the Shamu Mobile, which is waiting at the light to turn into the apartment complex. Once the picture is taken, she slides the door closed and the van drives off.

You know, at least when people pull over to take a picture of the Disney World welcome sign, they usually leave the roadway! I'm just not used to seeing that kind of touron behavior so close to home. The worst part: this was an older shabby-looking minivan. Definitely not a rental. Which means either that was a judgement-impaired local, or a really cheap tourist! Dufus!

Lunch with Friends

So... yeah... it's nice to get together with long-lost friends. I can't believe I haven't seen Matthew and Kristin since our Hoop Dee Doo outing last March for my birthday. Anyway, we hooked up for lunch at the Yacht Club Galley (mmm...New England clam chowder...) and dessert at Beaches 'n Cream (mmm...frozen sunshine...). And we also spent lots of time just chatting. It's good to catch up. Really good.

Also today, I stopped by Scott's office and freeloaded some cantaloupe. I went to Publix and bought ONLY the two things I went in there for (cat food and deodorant... and coincidentally, I found a deodorant named after one of my cats!). And then I came home and checked my e-mail.

Scott started work at noon today, which means he should be home by 9. That will be especially pleasant since he didn't get home until after 2 this morning.

And if anyone was wondering how bird-sitting went, it was fine. Of course, the bird tried to groom the freckles off my neck on Sunday morning. But other than that, it was a pleasure. I would also like to point out that the entire time I was babysitting for the Rugrat Trio, the only time the phone rang was when their parents were going to be late coming home, or if the baby was sick. Cat was separated from the bird for less than 48 hours, during which time my phone rang FOUR TIMES. "How is the bird?" "How was her water dish? Cloudy? Green?" "Have you checked on the bird yet today?" (that last one came in at 9:30 am) Really. I'm not making this crap up. I ended up actually turning my phone off yesterday at work because I didn't think it was ever going to stop ringing!

Tomorrow's agenda includes a 2-hour work meeting (please don't let anything blow up in my face...). Scott wants to go see Casino Royale. We'll see how that one plays out. I can probably be bribed with some mac n cheese from Puck's.

Fun with Google

I can hardly remember a time when Google didn't exist. OK, sure I can. I'm pretty sure I didn't even discover the site until 1999 or 2000. Still, Google has the amazing ability to brighten any day with a variety of games.

The "How Did I Die?" Game: By typing "[your name] died" into the Google search engine, you can find out how you died. For example, "Jamie... is a pop star and former member of boy band Boy*d Upp. He died in a helicopter crash." That's funny!

Of course, you can also Google Stalk people you used to know. Google Image Search is especially good for that. For example, I have no idea who the guy is who owns this site, but I do know the person in the second picture. The one in the blue shirt with the buttons. Yeah, he was my first boyfriend. Of course, we were in the sixth grade and we played trumpet together in band. We never kissed, and I don't even think we held hands... but that's beside the point. I haven't seen him since 7th grade when he moved to Virginia. Good to see he finally grew some shoulders! (btw, anyone want to guess whether he gets the distinction of being yet another one of my gay ex-boyfriends?)

And when you run out of people to stalk, you can always do a vanity search. But don't do this unless you're prepared to find out what's out there. What does that mean? Well take a look at this e-mail I got today. It refers to this fake page I made one night at work to torment Matthew.

Hi,I'm hoping you can delete or edit a page from your GeoCities site. My name is listed on the fake OCSO page - I assume created in support of a friend of yours since you seem to be from the area.My charges were dropped by Orange County before I had a chance to defend myself in court, but not until after I had to suffer the humiliation of having my face posted on their web site.

The details of the case are a matter of public record, however if I 'google' my name, the arrest information still pulls up on your site (I've attached a screen shot). I'm sure your friend's situation has been resolved by now.

Again, I appreciate your assistance. Thanks,

So I have to say I feel a tiny bit bad about this. I mean, here I am trying to slander a friend (that page was one of the best practical jokes EVER... especially when it had all the pictures of druggies and hookers filled in like this page) and I end up slandering someone I don't even know!

Of course, I don't want to cause anyone any more pain and suffering than they already experienced by soliciting a cop (reportedly). I'm never intentionally cruel. Now the problem is that I have no idea what the heck the password is to that geocities account. I tried to reset my password, but I also don't know what zip code I used to register (including college, I have resided in 7 zip codes since I started that page). And I tried so many passwords that I locked myself out!

So I'll have to update this story as it develops. In the meantime, I am still laughing about it. Ahh Google... how you amuse me!

ILLogic

First, AIDA was even better than I had imagined. I had a little qualm with the costuming and props (much like taking a Shakespeare play and dropping into L.A., I don't think that blue jeans and AK-47s really meshed well with Egypt), but was completely blown away by the performance. I cried through the second half of Act II. And the curtain calls. And in the car. Oh, and the music... it was superb. And our seats were third row dead center, which means we had a great view of Radames' spitting problem. (tee hee) There's a montage on the website that really emphasizes everything I loved (and hated) about the show.

So since we were going all the way down to Sarasota for a 2 pm show, I looked at the map and decided it wouldn't be more than a half hour out of our way to take a different route home and hit our favorite Brooksville eatery for dinner. Riiiight. I need to learn to look at mileage next time such a whim strikes me! Take a look at a map of today's voyage:


special thanks to Google maps

The magenta shows our route down - 27 to 4 to 75 to a bunch of dinky roads in Sarasota. It took about 2 hours to get there. The aqua shows our route home - dinky roads to 75 to 50 to Johnny Carino's to 50 to 27. My "logic" and partial justification for going to Brooksville for a meal was that we'd hit Lakeland at rush hour if we took I-4 home. What I failed to account for was that we would instead hit Tampa rush hour on I-75. oops! It took 2 hours for us to get from the theater to the restaurant! And poor Scott was worn out from all that driving and sitting (and crying).

I still think that dinner was worth it - we split an order of Prince Edward Island mussels, and added to the bread and salad, I barely ate 5 bites of my baked tortelloni (dinner for tomorrow! yay!).

And now I'm in a carb coma. Please excuse my while I try to stay awake through The Daily Show.

A Euphemism for the 21st Century

We all know the age-old euphemisms used in laundry commercials. "Ring around the collar" is code for crunchy yellow armpits. "Protein stains" translates to blood stains.

Imagine my surprise last night when I saw a ridiculous portrayal of a new product: Summer's Eve Deodorant Spray. The commercial showed a woman spraying the product on her wrist! You may be thinking to yourself, "wow... that's impressive... Summer's Eve has found a way to stop feminine wrist funk." But you'd be wrong. The instructions clearly tell you where to spray the product... and it's not the wrist. And no, you're not expected to spray it on your wrist and then rub your wrist on the affected area.

I miss the days when feminine care products were advertised by women frolicking in fields and having mother-daughter bonding sessions over some instant coffee. So help me, the day I see a pantiliner advertised stuck to someone's wrist, I may have to give up on man kind completely!