Too Funny to be TMI

I was Facebook messaging with Scott this evening about my thrilling return to Dr. Ponytail (OMG he started a new practice, where the people all TALK to you and LISTEN to you and... it's like the complete opposite of my primary doctor!!).  Following is a screenshot of part of our conversation...

There's really not much else I can add to that!

God bless you, iPhone auto correct!

PotD: Sword Not Included

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves...which is a good thing, because mine aren't very witty! 

Above is an actual vending machine from an actual women's room I visited today.  I decided to file this image on the blog, since yesterday I shared a picture of a weird ad on a tampon box (plus my own stellar commentary) on Facebook and didn't get one single "like."  Anyway, on to the bad jokes:

• For the unprepared knight
• "They were all out of scabbards...I hope this will work"
• (Sword not included)
• Now made with 0% absorbent steel!
• Won't clash with your chastity belt!
• Probably won't prevent stabbing, but at least no one will see you bleed!

These have gone from bad to worse.  It might be time for me to stop.  Got any others?

Crazy People

Scene: Waiting room of doctor's office
Time: 7:04 am

Man: I'm here for bloodwork...and whoever I'm with, make sure they know I'm really bad with needles.
Receptionist: (smiling) Just let them know when they come and get you. They'll take care of you.
Man: OK, because I can't handle needles at all.


Time: 7:08 am

Woman: Does he even know I'm here?
Receptionist: Excuse me?
Woman: Does he know I'm here? My appointment was at 7. I have to be at work at 7:30 and I can't wait much longer.

Time: 7:12 am

Nurse: Number 2061? (we are handed pagers when we check in, but rather than actually use the pagers, they use them like those take-a-number strips at the deli)
Woman from above: Do you know where Dr. M is?
Nurse: Do I... know where he is?
Woman: I had a 7:00 appointment and (rising from chair) forget it. I have to go. I'm going to be late for work. (slams pager down at reception desk and storms out)

Time: 7:25 am

Man from above: I'm really bad with needles.
Phlebotomist: Okay, no problem.
Man: No, I'm really bad with needles. So make sure I don't see one at all or I'll freak out.
Vampire: Okay...
Man: I once had one (pause for dramatic effect) break off inside me!
Vampire: Oh...wow...
Man: umm...
Vampire: did you have any water this morning?
Man: umm...no...
Vampire: ok, I'm going to go and get you some water and give you a chance to calm down.
Man: okay...
(Vampire grabs an empty styrofoam cup and literally bolts from the room.  Jamie, in the next chair over, realizes that this man is between her and the exit and wills her blood to pump out faster so that she can escape before he pukes)

These are verbatim conversations from this morning.  I'm not sure how the crazy woman EVER thought she'd be in and out of the doctor's office in 25 minutes or less (I'm giving her a minimum of 5 minutes travel time to work).  And really, if she starts at 7:30, she's done at 4. The doctor is open until 7 pm - why not schedule an after-work appointment?  You KNOW she went to her work location raving about the terrible service there.  And to think - she didn't even have a chance to sit in an empty exam room for a minimum of 10 minutes! 

As for the man, pardon the expression, but MAN UP!  Put on your big girl panties and suffer quietly. No one - not even the person doing the blood draw - gives a damn about how afraid you are of needles.  It's not going to make her do her job any more gently. If anything, it could make her nervous and end up hurting you even more.  Especially since the girl taking his blood is the one who blew out both of my elbow veins last time.

I wonder if they both survived?

I Have Good News and I Have Bad News

The good news for Win McMurry is that no one really watches the Golf Channel, and therefore few people actually heard her say that Tiger Woods pulled out of competition because of his bulging dick. (hello, Google porn searchers!)

The bad news for her is that a lot more people watch YouTube. And read Twitter. Her gaffe will probably turn viral for a few days. It's an honest mistake, which she caught right away, but that's not going to stop me from giggling and pointing.

What can I say? This morning my inner 13-year-old is out to play! I hope she has a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at herself!

Potato Salad Humor

For Easter, one of the husband-wife teams at The Restaurant made a buffet spread for the rest of us. There was a ham and a bunch of different sides, and it was the best Easter dinner I've ever had. (the ham was a Honey-Baked Ham, which Scott dislikes, but I'll find a way to have it again somehow...) The surprise favorite of almost everyone was the potato salad. It was the most delicious potato salad I've ever had. It was so light and fluffy you could've eaten a pound of it. And most of us tried!

So after dreaming of this potato salad for a while, I finally asked the guy who made it for the recipe. He said he found it in a Southern Living cookbook and picked it because he had the correct ingredients at home already. But since he had so many compliments, he's going to start telling people it's his secret family recipe. Luckily for me (and you), he was willing to share the recipe. I got it by e-mail yesterday...

Here's the super secret family recipe brought over from Ireland and passed down and tweaked by all of my southern ancestors with some suggestions made by General Sherman as he passed through on his way to Atlanta. The recipe was stolen by Jean Lafitte the pirate but was recovered in New Orleans by Louis Armstrong who returned it to my grandmother (I'd rather not say how they knew each other. Let's just say he liked her "cookin").

I've made notes as to what brand of ingredients I used but of course make it with whatever you like.

Southern-Style Potato Salad

You can substitute light mayonnaise and sour cream with good results.

Yield: Makes 8 servings


4 pounds potatoes (about 4 large) (I used Yukon Gold Potatoes)
3 hard-cooked eggs, grated
1 cup mayonnaise ( Used Dukes brand. Closest flavor to homemade mayo)
1/2 cup sour cream (Daisey's. All natural. lovely flavor)
1/4 cup celery, finely chopped
2 tablespoons onion, finely chopped
2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
1 tablespoon mustard (Guldons Spicy Brown)
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1/2 pound bacon, cooked and crumbled (Didn't use this time but I will next time. Who doesn't love bacon?)
Garnishes: chopped fresh parsley, grape tomatoes

Cook potatoes in boiling water to cover 40 minutes or until tender; drain and cool. Peel potatoes, and cut into 1-inch cubes.

Stir together potatoes and eggs.

Stir together mayonnaise and next 7 ingredients; gently stir into potato mixture. Cover and chill. Sprinkle with bacon just before serving. Garnish, if desired.

Making People Uncomfortable Since 1979

It's what I do!

Yesterday at work I had the same conversation with two completely separate groups of people: two acquaintances from the front desk, and two friends from The Restaurant. Basically, I was trying to rally other people to come and audition for a role in a show for a character who happens to be black. (Sorry, really don't know whether her lineage is from Africa) Of course, this is funny because none of us are black.

I pointed out to both groups (c'mon...when you have good material, don't you re-use it?) that I was just as likely to get this part as I was to get any Disney Princess role. And in my best squeaky little kid voice, I looked up and said, "Cinderella, you got FAT!"

This is one of those situations when, had I said "ugly" or "old," that I probably would have been met by a chorus of "no you're not..." But obviously I'm overweight. And though I thought it was funny (and Scott belly laughed when I recounted this story to him), apparently other people aren't willing to also acknowledge this fact. (true story - I just mistyped 'fact' as 'fat')

Anyway, I'm sorry I made anyone uncomfortable. I'll add Jokes About My Weight to the list of categories not to bring up in front of work people.

(I still think it was funny)

Uncontrolled Laughter

Scott's car wouldn't start this morning, so I got an unexpected wake-up call at 4 am to drive him to work. It wasn't such a bad drive - no cars on the road, and I got to pick the tunes. On the way, we happened to go past the "Mile 10" sign for the Disney Marathon (hmm... that might explain the early shift...). There I was in the car wearing my running pants (the poor things - they're the least-utilized athletic pants ever), a zip-up sweatshirt, flip-flops (don't judge - we park in the garage and I wasn't going to be outside), and unbrushed hair and I got all excited. "Quick! I'm going to get out and you can take my picture in front of the sign. We'll have to crop out my feet though, because of the flip flops." Yeah, because the footwear would be the only unrealistic thing about that picture! Maybe it's because I'm amped up on Coke and adrenaline, but I thought that was the funniest thing I'd heard in at least 12 hours. I chuckled about it all the way home. Scott, on the other hand, was not amused. I understand though. He's worried about his baby. He'll laugh tomorrow.

My only regret is that I didn't get the photo.

Perhaps now you're wondering what could have been funnier than that yesterday. I worked day shift answering calls yesterday, and was slammed. It was a long and stressful day, and towards the end I was pretty much praying for a few minutes of down time between calls so that I could catch my breath. I was talking to a man and was annoyed while booking his reservation because there was a woman close to him speaking at what I can best describe as bad-cell-phone-volume. As it turns out, they were in the car and she was having her own phone conversation. We got to the point where I was explaining to him why I needed a credit card number and what we would be charging, and all of a sudden Loud Woman says, "Have you asked for an enema? You'll feel better."

Loudly.

I paused, mostly out of shock, and the guy snorted. And once I knew it was ok to laugh, I couldn't stop myself. It was Sudden Onset Laugh Syndrome, the kind that comes when you try to hold it in, and then all of a sudden your eyes are watering and you can't breathe and all you can do is laugh. Through my laughter, I did hear him explain that she was talking to someone in the hospital, and cracking up while he explained to his wife that he was on the phone with a business. I apologized for my complete and total lack of professionalism, and managed to pull it together long enough to finish booking the reservation before hanging up and explaining to the office full of people why I was laughing so hard. While still laughing.

I don't really know if either of those stories is even funny to someone who isn't me, but hey - this is one of those blog posts I'll find a few years from now and most likely laugh again. Sometimes that's what matters most. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 10 minutes until I have to wake up. I'm going to not go back to sleep.

Not Really...I'm Totally Lying

Scott and I are considering modeling next year's Christmas Photo after this family.

(do coconuts come in bigger sizes?)

Fly-Over

I had one of those moments at work yesterday when I said something I thought was funny, but the joke was completely missed.

Manager: There's six more weeks of football season.
Me: Did the groundhog see his shadow?
Manager: [silence]

White House Correspondent's Dinner

So...I don't know about you, but I wasn't at all offended when Wanda Sykes said Rush Limbaugh was the 20th 9/11 hijacker but was too strung out on Oxy to make the flight. But you know, I can see how people who don't hate Rush might have a different opinion.

As for Obama, I think Scott and I agree that Dick Cheney's memoir, "How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People" was the best shot of the night.

You know, for $200/plate, I'd love to go to one of those some time.

In case you missed it: Wanda's Routine, Obama's Routine

Very sorry this wasn't more in-depth. I could've written a substantive post, but I'm meeting up with a cousin this morning.

Take Your Kid to Work Day

Conversation between me and Scott earlier today:

Scott: apparently, on Take your Kid to Work Day, at some FL correctional facility they felt it was okay to show the kids how electronic pacification devices worked… You know...TAZERS! A few supervisors have been fired for SOME reason from the facilities. FOR TAZING KIDS maybe?
Jamie: at least they didn't strap them into the death chamber and hook up an IV of anything
Scott: oh now that'd be funnier'n hell
Jamie: "who wants to sit on Old Sparky?" (which is not, incidentally, an electric chair, but the pervy old man who watches the showers)
Scott: is he the guy with the walker? Ol' Ssssssparky

if you're not a fan of Family Guy, or just didn't get the reference to the guy in the walker, check this out...

David Gone Viral

I came across this via Rachel Lucas, who found it from somewhere else. Once I see a funny YouTube video, it's generally safe to assume that it's already considered viral. That said, watching this kid makes me want to go to the dentist and say, "give me what David got!"

Current Events

I heard about "Out with Bush Day" on the radio on my way home from work last night:

Why? January 20, 2008 marks the day that George W. Bush will finally be out of the White House. So, while that Bush is on his way out why not get your bush out too.

The great people from Matthew Michaels Salon & Spa Experience will be the pro's handling the waxing duties. There will be a screen so the guys don't see your private areas...what do you take them for anyway?

You must be 18 years of age or older and have at least 1/4 inch of hair to be removed.

I think the 20-something guys who run this show are under the impression that girls yelling in pain is going to make good radio. I think they're wrong. Waxing is something that makes people make funny faces, not scream in agony. Still, I think it's a funny idea - not as funny as making their interns roll across a floor covered in mouse traps singing "Happy Birthday" to whomever is celebrating one, but still funny.

And now, for something completely different:

Can anyone suggest a polite way to ask someone to chew with his mouth closed and stop moaning when he eats? If I have to listen to apple sex one more time, my head may explode. I shouldn't say that, because I'm quite certain I'll hear it tonight. Seriously, close your eyes and picture the sound of a crisp apple being chewed with an open mouth. Now add some moaning. Do YOU ever want to eat an apple again? Perhaps I should offer him a cigarette when he's done...

From the In Box

I got an e-mail from Spirit Airlines today that made me groan and laugh out loud:

Spirit, a Maverick in airline sales, brings you Ochobama! He's built his platform around bringing you low fares, from only $8* each way for $9 Fare Club** members. We're also offering many more great fares for everyone. Check out the low fares and save big today! All other sales Palin comparison. But hurry, the polls close on the best fares on November 4, 2008 at 11:59 PM ET! All fares are based on roundtrip purchase and taxes, fees & restrictions apply.

I'm the ParkHopper, and I approved this message.

SNL

SNL hasn't been "must see TV" for me in over 10 years. It kept getting un-funnier and un-funnier. But now all of a sudden, I find myself waking up on Sunday morning to find out I'm missing killer political comedy!

Thank God for the Internet, eh?

Yearbooked

There's lots of serious stuff going on right now: the country on the verge of depression (take 700 billion Prozac and call me in the morning), Survivor (on the bright side, I was able to get to sleep at a decent hour), the will-they-or-won't-they presidential debate...

But rather than acknowledge any of that, I'm having fun on my new favorite website, YearbookYourself.com. Why? See below. I feel no further explanation is needed.

C'mon...you know you want to try it out... styles from a 50 year span... how can you resist?!?

Cats-Ploitation

WARNING: if you fall asleep in a funny position on my living room floor, I reserve the right to post humiliating doctored photos of you on the internet.

Just So You Know I Don't Hate Her...

Perhaps you've heard that Senator Clinton has once again been caught with her pants on fire. This time, repeating a story she heard from a deputy sheriff sitting on the couch in a mobile home in Ohio (not exactly a vetted source).

Yes, I think she's imploding, and it's sad to watch. Doesn't she realize that Americans respect the Mitt Romney "it's time for me to go" approach more than the Mike Huckabee "I'm going to stay in and pray for a miracle" approach?

Well, I did appreciate this speech that she gave last week. So here it is. I hope you watch it.

Smelling of Wine and Laundry Detergent

Yeah, that's a knife sticking out of a wine bottle. If you are observant, you may have also noticed the bits of cork scattered across the kitchen counter or the purple splatter on that canister of bread crumbs on top of my lunch box. Out of the frame are the purple spots on the floor, my face, the wall behind me, and the upper counter by the tea kettle.

"But Jamie, why didn't you use that corkscrew right next to the wine bottle?"

I tried. That's where the bits of cork came from.

So after I failed spectacularly with the corkscrew (and yes, I realize the wine opening technology has improved vastly since the 1970's), I tried the vegetable peeler. And then I tried the paring knife.

I'm not sure what I expected to happen, but I definitely hadn't anticipated the Molotov Rioja! I'm also rather impressed that my eyes sealed themselves shut just before the shower. Sadly, I needed to open my eyes to find the paper towel, and I can report that red wine burns just as much as shampoo or face wash.

I left the knife in the bottle while I went to change, and leave my (thankfully) red sweater and brown t-shirt in the washer soaking. I took evidence photos. And I wiped up the counter before the wine had a chance to stain... well, almost. I'm sure Scott will be able to get the last of it out with something stronger than a Clorox wipe!

And then I tried to pull out the knife and cork. It didn't work, and I had to push the knife back down to get it un-stuck. And you know what happened? I bet you do! But somehow I didn't expect the same damn thing to happen again! Of course, this time the wine got all over my white t-shirt, which I'm still wearing because - meh - it's an old shirt that I only wear to bed anyway.

I still wanted to at least try the wine, despite the bad cork omen. So I poured it through a metal strainer to catch the tiny bits of cork. I actually don't think the wine is bad, especially considering the cork and the metal trauma it had been through. Sadly, I can't possibly save it. My only other vacuum topper is on a bottle of white that I enjoyed much more, and the cork is still floating in the bottle.

So cheers to you! Anyone have a story that will make me feel better about this?

Bumper Sticker Fun

And now for something a little lighter!